Recently, I spent the weekend with a gal I have been friends with since high school (last year). We did girl things, like drink coffee, laugh, and make fun of ourselves and the other women sitting in thrones around the edges of the salon jiggling in the chair massagers while soaking our feet in little bathtubs. Really, if you arrived from another planet—like Mars or Manhood–you would think it the most bizarre practice you had ever seen. After I stepped back into my normal female mind, my cohort confided that her husband offered to paint her toe nails for her so she didn’t have to endure the discomfort of the salon. The comment got me to thinking….
what would that look like……………
Directions and Setup for a Mani-pedicure.
2. Scrub out the algae from the dog’s water bowl. Better: consider
using the turkey roasting pan. Best: heated foot bath Aunt Gladys gave
you 15 Christmases ago. Last resort: pull up the Lazyboy to the
bathtub, if it will fit through the door.
3 .Gather your supplies. Best: Dump out the bathroom cleanng supplies and
use the handled carrier. Tolerable: a toolbelt. Take the tools out.
1. a digging instrument of some kind, like a kabob skewer for
releasing ingrown toenails.
2. Potato scrubbing brush from under the kitchen sink for cleaning toe jam.
3. Nail file and clippers. You can use a dremel, just not the one you use
on the dog’s toe nails.
4. Any lotion you can find. If you don’t like the smell, dump the
bottle of cologne in there too.
5. Drain cleaner for removing callus.
(Just kidding. That would be practicing medicine without a license.
By the way, if you don’t have the gene to detect IRONY,
you are at the wrong blog.)
6. Cheese grater, for scraping calluses off the heels. Seriously, it
looks just like what they use at the salon. I swear.
7. Nail polish, and shellac or clear drying Elmer’s glue.
8. If she is into bling and wants glitter, the kids probably have some
in the art drawer.
1. Seat your victim in the chair. Turn on everything–music, tv,
jigglers massagers. Offer her a drink of anything. If there
is an ingrown toe nail, consider something strong, like an adult beverage. Poor yourself one
and wonder if you love this woman enough to go through with this. (Hint: you do).
2.Pour warm, not boiling water into basin of choice. Do not use the
insta-hot water tap in the kitchen.
3. Get her to put her feet in it and RELAX. Put the drill out of
sight so she can relax.
4. Marinate 5 or 10 minutes. More if she is asleep. But don’t let
her be there so long she wakes up to raisin toes and the bottle of
garage floor cleaner next to the basin. It will ruin the mood.
5. Massage her feet and legs with lotion, Keep the water warm. You may
have heard of hot rocks treatment, but do not do this at home unless
you are a contractor. That would be practicing landscaping
without a license.
6. Scrape cheese grater against heels to remove calluses.
7. Alternatively, you can buy one of the motorized pediegg things
dedicated to this purpose. (1800 PEDiegg.com) and if you order today,
they will throw in a set of ginsu knives and a waterless car washer
for free. Shipping is $150).
8. Have her bite down on a stick while you dig at her cuticles, trim
nails and file–especially if using a dremel, or your electric sander.
Worry if there is a burning flesh smell, or screaming.
9. After the nails dry (on her toes), apply nail polish to each. You can carve your initials into the polish only if you ask first. Then apply a coat of shellac, nail glaze or elmer’s glue.
10. Put her flip flops on her feet for her so the fresh wet polish doesn’t get smudged.
Ps. If you use the rubbery toe separators between her toes so the
paint polish doesn’t transfer to other toes, make sure to take them out before you take her to dinner.
Next time consider a gift cert to the nail salon